When Your Career takes a Backseat to Motherhood: Life as a Stay-At-Home Mom

Written for my friend & fellow blogger at www.mommasaurus.com

My first job was in high school at a pizza place. I was 16. Then in college I would take the school year off to focus on school and work during the summer. I worked for the City of Southfield’s Parks and Rec Department, which I loved! I moved on to two summer internships with Detroit public relations agencies. My senior year, both of my parents got laid off from work when the economy tanked, and I decided to take a job at the university cafeteria to make some extra cash. 

After college, I worked as a receptionist for Douglas J. Aveda Institute. It was there that I decided to go back to school and get my cosmetology license. I went to school during the day and came downstairs to staff the reception desk in the evening. I was working 14+ hours a day on my feet. It was my hardest and probably most rewarding experience. I knew what it was like to bust my butt and work hard to succeed. And friends, let me tell you, cosmetology school is no walk in the park. It is tough stuff. You learn biology, chemistry, how to perform hair, nail, and — if you decide to cross-train — esthiology services, and the rules and regulations of the business. It was worth it and SO much fun. 

I stayed in the hair industry up until our move to the East Coast in 2015. After working for a truly amazing boss at a salon that I still consider my home, I decided to leave the beauty biz behind and try something new. 

I found a job at Global Planners Inc, a corporate event-planning company in New Jersey, and really clicked with the women who worked with me. I got the opportunity to travel around the world (Paris included!), attend so many different conferences, and work with some amazing people. I absolutely loved the travel piece of my job. It felt like a nice switch-up from everyday office life. After being in the beauty industry, I am NOT a desk person at all. I like working with my hands and keeping active throughout my day, so this was very different for me. But the consistent schedule and weekends off (outside of travel) worked well for me and Anton. 

I’ve always loved to work. I’ve never been scared to try new things, step out of my comfort zone, and get my hands dirty. I’ve learned so much from the mish-mash of jobs that have contributed to my successes in customer service and with people. 

Fast forward to now. I’m a stay-at-home mom. Full-time. 365 days a year. 24/7. Have you ever seen that meme: I don’t have a 9-5, I have a when I get up to when I go to bed? That’s mom life. And not just a stay-at-home mom. Hell, that’s all moms! We are the ones that get up before the sun and are the last to go to sleep, making sure our families are taken care of. (And yes, Karen, I realize dads do this, too.) But probably 95% of the time, it’s mom.

This shift was an ADJUSTMENT for me. And it still is, friends! I kind of touched upon this in my last article about my postpartum depression. I love to work. It gives me purpose and makes me feel like I’m contributing, not just to my family, but to society. 

Having a baby is a major life upheaval, but making the decision to stay home and leave your old working self behind is a whole new change. It’s like starting a new job where your boss screams and cries at you, but doesn’t have any idea what she wants. (Actually that sounds like some adult bosses too.) And for you working moms, you are taking on two jobs for the price of one and trying to balance your work and home life. I’ve often said this before to one of my girlfriends who works about an hour from home and has a baby girl, you are super mom because I don’t know how you do it. 

But I digress. I’m focusing on my SAHMs right now because that is the life I know and can talk about firsthand.

At first, I had a hard time finding myself. I have always associated myself with my work. Raise your hand if that’s you, mama. So this felt like I was taking on a new identity — and I mean you kind of are as a new mom, right? We shed our old life and create a new one. One with messy floors, no sleeping in on Saturday, 3 a.m. ragers of a new kind and lots of coffee and dry shampoo. Amma right?!

I think as a SAHM you just have to adjust to your new normal. There isn’t a schedule (unless you want one, of course.) For me, I never went by a schedule, except for bedtime. That was a rigid routine and has been since Day 1. I think that helped with Vera’s sleeping habits, too. For me, the lack of a schedule was difficult. I’m a creature of habit and like to have an idea of what’s going to be happening that day. But my main focus was trying to figure V out. When she was sleepy, she’d nap. When she was hungry, she’d eat. When she wanted to play, we’d play. My days were filled with all the same things, day after day, and it felt SO boring. Not to mention, my MIL was staying with us at the time and she and Anton were sometimes the only people I saw. That was the worst.

I’m a very social person. I love meeting people and talking and being out and about. With a new baby in the dead of winter, that just wasn’t happening. I know this is what added to my PPD as well. 

My saving grace was meeting the women in my moms group. Other SAHMs like me who wanted to get the hell out of the house and go to playgroups with our kids, classes, lunch, mall walks, literally ANYTHING that would get us connected with other adults. I’d say as a SAHM, you have to have a group of women that you can turn to. They are your buoys in the waters of motherhood. Keeping you afloat and keeping you sane. 

My other saving grace? My blog. I told you, I like to work and I have a busy mind. This is the perfect outlet for me to channel my energy. I’m not the perfect housewife. I hate cleaning (but I love a clean house), I do love to cook but not every night, and I hate folding laundry. I will find a million other things to do before cleaning and laundry.

The blog also connects me with other women and moms around the world and I love that about this new adventure. I love talking to other women who are going through the same things and can resonate with the things I talk about. Most of all, I like feeling like I can help other women like me and share the things I’ve gone through or am going through. The blog is my place to share and be open.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice to be at home, but then I realize that not every mom has this opportunity. I am grateful that I even have the choice. I am grateful that I get to see V do all the silly and extraordinary things she does. I’m grateful that I get to explore other interests for myself and keep growing. The job market will be there when I decide to return to it. But this stuff … I’ll never get to relive these moments. They are priceless.

More Than a Number

There’s always an ongoing discussion of weight loss and dieting among women. It’s just one of those things that we are constantly trying to work on and balance in our demanding lives. Especially moms.

I saw a photo on Instagram the other day that really got me thinking of the way I think about myself and my body.

Pictured was a bunch of scales and instead of numbers it provided positive self-talk like: “You’re a kind and loyal friend”, “You are worthy”, “Your smile lights up any room you’re in”, etc.

Way too often after we give birth, we are so concerned about losing the baby weight. Getting back to our pre-baby bodies. Trust me, I was one of those people. I remember when I got the go-ahead from my doctor and I was trying to hit the gym that day.

First of all, I didn’t expect that my body would feel completely different. I was having incontinence issues when I ran, my breasts were sore from breast feeding. I felt like a train wreck. And instead of saying to myself, “Hey, you just had a baby 6 weeks ago and you’re not getting any sleep,” I was UPSET with myself. 

Of course, I didn’t want to try something softer like yoga. (Which I seriously should have — hello, crazy lady!) I was trying to get back to the person I was before V. I wanted to run 4 miles and do an intense weight-lifting routine. I wanted to do it all. Was I listening to my body when it was saying to rest? Nope. I saw moms do this on social media all the time. I could totally do this too. 

The thing is, they are not me. What works for one person is not going to work for you. You have to listen to your body and show yourself some grace. If I had the ability to go back and talk to myself postpartum, I’d tell her to slow down, to not put so much pressure on herself to be perfect. And one more time, to slow the hell down. 

And you know what? This isn’t only for women who just had a baby. This message is for all of us. 

Our worth is NOT measured by a number on the scale. Repeat that to yourself. Daily. There is so much more to you and life than that number. And frankly, I think it’s all bullshit anyway. At my fittest, I was 150. Right now, I’m 150 and a little squishier. 

I am by no means saying to let yourself go and not lead a healthy lifestyle. I’m just saying that your weight does not correlate to happiness. If you are one of those people who is punishing yourself at the gym for having a slice of cake at a friend’s birthday or having a margarita night with your girlfriends, maybe it’s time to check-in with yourself. 

Trust me, I have battled with this voice and it’s just not healthy. There is a difference between motivation and being cruel to yourself. Love your body and it will love you back. Rest when it needs rest, fuel it when it needs food, nourish your mind with knowledge and positive affirmations to keep your head from spinning those webs of self-doubt and self-loathing. 

My favorite workouts these days consist of walking, daily dance parties with V, running with my dogs, and yoga. I may not be at my fittest. But I am most certainly at my happiest, and that is what is most important to me. I want V to see that happiness and confidence in her mom so that she will have the same care and respect for herself. 

So this week I challenge you to show your mind and body some love. Do something that makes you feel good and makes you smile. If it’s enjoying some of this beautiful weather and going for a run, go for it. If you need a Netflix binge day on your couch, awesome. If you’ve got a book you’ve been wanting to dive into but haven’t, pick it up. Go with what feels good and feeds your soul. Life is too short to be unhappy with a number. Your achievements, your kindness, your inner strength and beauty is where it’s at, friends. That’s the gold right there. 

It Takes a Village to Raise a Mother

I moved to Bensalem, Pennsylvania with my husband Anton just days after our “I do’s.” I was leaving my village and home of twenty-eight years behind to start a new life on the east coast for Anton’s residency in family practice. 

This was always a possibility for us but I guess I just never saw moving as a legitimate reality. Four years later, I can’t say that this was not a great move for our family. Even as much as I miss our tribe back in the mitten, I know this is where we are meant to be and grow. 

Anton finished his residency in July 2018 and we decided to move once again to central New Jersey with our six month old baby girl.

Now, I had found a tribe of people back in Bensalem, PA that I could lean on and do fun things with. We were SO incredibly lucky to land in an apartment complex with the nicest neighbors you could ask for. They treated us like family and we were a family. But moving 45 minutes away into a new neighborhood as a new mom was daunting for me. 

I need people around me. I am not someone that can live in solitary confinement. I need girlfriends, conversation, FOOD, and wine! I need that interaction for me to be happy in my life. 

My in-laws moved in with us in August. This was a god-send for us. We needed so much help with moving and working on the house. Things just can’t get done at a quick pace with a baby and husband that works 25/7. And no, that’s no typo. I mean 25/7. 

Anyway, we were in the thick of it, working on the house that I didn’t really branch out and meet anyone in the area right away. My in-laws had a trip back to Minsk planned in September through October. They would be gone a little over a month.

This was the perfect opportunity for me and Vera to get out of the house and check out our new digs. 

I had been reading another blog about an app called “Peanut.” Basically it’s like tinder for moms. Swipe up to “wave” and swipe down to skip. If another mom has “waved” at you, you’ll match! Then it’s up to you to start the conversation. 

Even though I love talking to people, I am a little shy. I tend to let others approach me before I approach them but I started “waving” at several other mamas and ended up starting a few conversations.

One of the first women I texted with told me about a Facebook group called “BadAss Moms of NJ.” I decided to join and hoped that there would actually be meet-ups. One of the admins posted about going for a walk on the boardwalk at Asbury Park and last minute I decided to come. I’d never met any of these women before but what did I have to lose? The worst thing that would happen is that I would have nothing in common with these women and we would end up talking about our kids the entire time.

I was pleasantly surprised. I felt so welcomed by each of the three other women at the meet-up. I was able to talk about things that I had been struggling with in my new role as mom and with women my own age. Certain things that I thought I was crazy about suddenly didn’t seem so crazy and I didn’t feel so isolated.

That is one thing no one ever talks about becoming a new mom — and a stay-at-home mom at that — is how isolated you feel. Your whole world changes and in a beautiful way but the old life that you had been accustomed to is gone. You feel a little shell shocked. And while we do have family that provides a great support system, the support you get from moms your own age, and who are going through it at the same time as you, is incomparable. 

Finding this group of ladies changed a lot of things for me. It allowed me to make a home in my new home. It let me put down roots. It helped me make connections with some amazing women and grow some pretty awesome friendships.

This is SO important for us as new moms. To have that support and camaraderie with other mamas. And it’s wonderful for our kids too! Not only do they have a mom who is more at peace with herself, but they are able to interact with other kids and build friendships and the social skills they will need when they head into school. 

So I encourage all of you mamas to step outside of your comfort zone and find a local mom group that you can be a part of. I promise you that you will find at least one other person who gets you and will not judge. And if there isn’t a group that you vibe with, start your own. That’s how the group I’m in all started. Two bad ass ladies didn’t like what was out there so they changed the game. There are always people out there who will share a similar mindset as you, you just need to find them and take the first step. 

Local New Jersey mamas, if you are looking for a tribe to support you and uplift you, you know where to find us! We won’t judge you if you want to feed your child non-organic fruit snacks and Chef Boyardee.

By the way, let’s just stop all the mom shaming nonsense right now. We are all just doing this on the fly and what is best for our families. None of us have this all figured out. 

After all, it takes a village to raise a helluva mama too. 

Present Over Perfect

So I started reading “Present Over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist and I have yet to finish it so if that tells you anything, I’m really not that into it. 

I’m about one hundred pages in and so far I feel like I’ve learned nothing as to how to simplify my life. My takeaways thus far are: spend a lot of time at your beach house, vacation in Hawaii, and learn to say no to flashy job opportunities and speaking events. Ok, great, for a millionaire. But what about us regular humans with no flashy job, various vacation homes and family vacations? Honestly, I think her message reaches a very low percentage of the population.

So I’m doing a little exercise these days and trying to find what it means to me to be “Present Over Perfect.”

For me, being present means putting away the distractions a.k.a. my phone, when I’m with my daughter. I am SO guilty of this. Because frankly, I am sick of listening to Maroon 5’s “Girls Like You” for the 4567th time or the oh-so-dreaded BABY SHARK. But you know what? Scrolling can wait. Texting can wait. She’s looking at me and I’m looking at my phone and what’s that saying to her? That my phone is much more important than time WITH her. It doesn’t matter what we are doing, what we are watching, just being present in those moments with her is telling her that she matters to me. 

Another moment that I think of is spending time with my husband, family and friends. It’s the same concept. In these days of social media we want to capture these moments in a bottle and save them for later. And believe me, I love having these photos and videos years down the road, I do. But there are also moments that I like to keep to myself. Between me and the person I’m sharing it with. 

When was the last time you had a secret? Where you didn’t share with the world what you were doing, thinking and feeling? And how did it feel? For me, it feels liberating. I feel like I can just relax and not worry about capturing “moments.” I can live them. I can enjoy them and enjoy whoever I’m sharing it with. 

I realize it’s kind of an ironic thing to say when you’re starting your own blog and sharing your thoughts with the world. Blogs are pretty much created by oversharing. If you stick around, you will find that I tend to contradict myself a lot and try to weigh each side of every argument. I’ll blame it on being a Libra. 

Anywho. I challenge you to put away the distractions. Go ahead and stop reading this to hang out with your kids or your friend or spouse or just go do something for yourself that makes you smile. Like maybe grab that third cup of coffee. It’s ok, I won’t tell anyone.